Howdy…
it it is currently midnight and I’m in tears and 100% unable to fall asleep. my heart is racing and my head is full of what if’s.
what if I get there and can’t understand anything? what if no one likes me? what if I stand out? what if I get lost? what if my family moves on without me? what if I find friends? what if I don’t? what if school is too hard? what if I have to walk 30 minutes to school in the morning when it’s raining and I have a full backpack? what if I get mugged and lose my passport? what if I get kicked out of the program? what if kids refuse to speak to me in Spanish? what if I revert to english because it’s easier? what if I hate the food? what if I eat too much and I get fat? what if I fall behind in school? what if I wanna come home? what if I get sick? what if someone in my family gets hurt and I can’t come see them? what if I wanna go home? what if I don’t? what if what if what if what if?
I have so many questions but my family and host family has grown tired of talking about it, my friends get upset when I talk about it, my program coordinator doesn’t have all the answers, and all my fellow CIEE peers are just as confused as I am. so all I feel is very alone. we all learn that you are going to feel homesick when you leave, but I already feel homesick and I’m longing for the normality of attending Savannah Country Day School with all my friends and speaking English and NOT talking about Spain or leaving. I am trying to form into words the confusion I’m feeling right now, but I’m drawing a blank. On one hand, I’m YEARNING for this normality, and on the other, I’m counting down the minutes before departure (5463). I’ve grown so tired of the endless questions so I’ll just lay them out for you:
FAQ FOR STUDY ABROAD STUDENTS:
Q: Parker I thought you were in Spain?
A: my program leaves later than most so I leave September 15.
Q: How many more days before you go to Spain?
A: 3.
Q: Are you excited?
A: Extremely. And scared out of my mind.
Q: Do you speak Spanish?
A: Sort of? Yes I’ve been practicing, but can I keep up with the Sevillian accent and speed and complex vocab? No. (sorry to any relative who is disappointed in this. I’m really trying my best)
Q: How long are you there for?
A: 9 months: September-June
Q: Do you have any way we can follow your journey?
A: YES!! Follow me here, on Instagram: parker_grove, on Facebook: Parker Grove, and email me: parkergrove2000@gmail.com
Q: What part of Spain are you in?
A: Sevilla. Here’s my address: Avenida de la República Argentina, 46, 41011 Sevilla, España
Q: How did you find out about this?
A: My mom is the most amazing person in the world. She keeps me together and fixes everything. She found it and forced me to apply even though I was stubborn. Yes. I was wrong. (Print this out and frame it if you want, Mom)
Those are just a few of the questions that I’ve received repeatedly. At this point, I’m pretty sure every single person in the world has heard that I’m studying abroad…
So here’s where I am right now. I’m blasting music into my headphones at volumes that probably aren’t safe but they are drowning out my thoughts so I don’t even care anymore, laying in a bed that is as messy as my hair and head, surrounded by piles, no. more like MOUNTAINS of clothing and suitcases and shoes and notebooks and target bags and shoeboxes and lists upon lists upon lists. and I’m such a mess and my room is such a mess and my life is such a mess and I don’t even care. I have physically lost the ability to THINK about ANYTHING other than the fact that in a few short days and 2 plane rides and 70 lbs of luggage later I’ll be in a different county without my family and friends and I won’t see them for 10 months and I just can’t even comprehend this. I’m at a loss for words.
When people say that studying abroad was the hardest thing they’ve ever done, I never realized how true this was. I think it’s because you KNOW you have a choice and you KNOW that you could just back down and nothing would happen. you wouldn’t be losing a scholarship or relationships or that spot on a sailing team. the fact is that you have to take a risk that just maybe, the bigger world out there is going to offer you something bigger and better than you ever could have imagined. and I am scared i am scared I am scared I am endlessly scared. but I KNOW that when this is all over, I will be be endlessly grateful for this opportunity. so I just gotta suck it up. wow.
so. here’s to the next 3 days that are going to be filled with stress, tears, a lot of driving, goodbyes, photos, stress, messes, wrapping up loose ends, stress, deep breathing, music, more tears, and hard decisions. oh. and stress. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
Peace,
~Parker Grove